Recovery Without Weight Gain
One of the most frequent questions I receive is how to start recovery and not gain weight. This question breaks my heart and I want to tell you that I was THERE- I thought that I could recover while maintaining my weight by just eating healthy and not losing more weight but this is far from realistic.
Think about it. You put your body through hell and back day in and day out to get to where you are now. Even if your weight is currently "healthy" according to BMI charts or that BS, it may not be healthy for YOU. It is not your bodies healthy weight if it requires you stressing excessively about what foods to eat. If it requires you prioritizing getting to the gym over friendships, school work, and resting. If it requires you over-exercising and pushing yourself to extremes even if you are sick or injured or stressed. If it requires you to miss out on living life and going out to eat and relaxing at parties to live your "healthy" lifestyle.
If diet and exercise are controlling your life, you are not healthy.
It took me a while to realize this and embrace that I may need to gain weight in order to be healthy, even though I was "only" ten pounds under the minimum weight for my height. I thought that I could recover and gain my life back with gaining minimal weight. I thought that I could just eat healthy and it would all work out. I thought that I was not skinny enough to have to gain much weight to be healthy. I was wrong.
I am not writing this to scare you- please keep reading. If you want to fully recover and gain not only a few pounds, but an entire LIFE, here are my biggest tips.
1. Ask yourself the most important question: AM I HAPPY?
Being happy is all that matters in life. Are you waking up every morning smiling? Are you excited about life and the future? Can you easily think of ten things that make you grin? When is the last time you laughed- and I mean really, truly laughed?
If there is one thing I have learned in 22 years, it is that life is short and unpredictable. I have seen more than my fair share of people on their death beds- how scary is it that anything could happen at any time? How would you want to spend your last day on Earth- hating yourself, counting every calorie, forcing yourself to exercise? Or spending time with loved ones, laughing until your stomach hurts, and following your passions.
My motivation for losing weight was thinking that people would like me more, that I would be accepted into a friend group, that my grandma's deprecating comments would cease, that I would find a boyfriend, that I would finally be happy, that my anxiety would go away.
Losing weight will not solve all of your problems. Thin does not equate to happy.
2. Evaluate WHY you don't want to gain weight.
Sounds stupid. Of course you don't want to gain weight, you worked so hard to be thin and you are finally there so why would you ever want to change that?! I looked at therapists and nutritionists like they had six heads when they asked me why I didn't want to gain weight. Didn't people like skinny people more?! aren't thin people societies ideal?! Aren't thin people happier?!
WRONG. Big fat wrong. I thought that I could not be happy at a higher weight and that people would no longer like me. I thought that being thin was the only thing that I had. I thought that it was the ultimate goal and the one thing in life that I could control. If you don't want to gain weight because you think it will impact your happiness or how others view you, you are WRONG- just like I was! I have never been happier in my entire life than I am right now, and I am nowhere close to my lowest weight. People treat me BETTER than they did when I was sick because I actually have a personality. I laugh and I love and I am present in conversations. I attend social events. I have passions. I am living my life!
Do you want people to remember you for being thin? Or for being fun, kind, intelligent, caring, generous, compassionate, hilarious, unique, and passionate?
3. Imagine your 90-year-old self.
Will the little old lady (or man) look back and think, "WOW I wish I stayed a size double zero instead of letting go of meaningless control and living my life. Those summer ice cream runs with my sister and wine-nights with my best friend weren't worth it." NO.
Life is meant to be lived. If you cannot indulge- and I mean really indulge, really live- often, then what is the point? If maintaining your current weight means sticking to a rigid diet and exercise schedule, missing out on social events, and being flat-out miserable than what is the point?
That summer concert you said no to because you did not want to have to eat fast-food in front of everyone? It would have been the greatest night of your life spent with friends you may grow apart from once you have families.
That night out in the city you declined in order to hit the gym early in the morning and save all the calories in the drinks you would inevitably order? You would have met the love of your life that night.
Can you go on like this forever- rejecting invitations and living life in your head, planning the next calorie? What about when you have children and they excitedly bake you a birthday cake? Are you going to look at them and explain that you're just not feeling well, or you are already full, or you actually don't like cake that much?
4. Think about what being "healthy" really means.
This is so different for everyone and you may not notice any visible side-effects of undereating and over-exercising but still be unhealthy. BUT chances are, there are some signs that what you are doing is not working with your body.
You should not faint or have a seizure from low blood sugar because you waited too long between meals.
You should not have stress fractures or sore bones and force yourself to exercise anyway- if you have these when you are young, think about the damage you will feel from this when you continue to age.
You should not be missing your monthly periods.
You should not be freezing at all times when your friends are sweating in the middle of the summer.
You should not have heart palpitations and a slow heart rate.
You should not be losing hair and have flaky skin.
You should not be irritable and mean and cry every time something does not go your way surrounding food.
These are just the side effects I had. You could have none of these and still be unhealthy, but if you have some of these pay attention. It is your body screaming for help.
Eating a kale salad for the sixth time that week will do nothing to make you healthy if your body is falling apart. The damage done at a young age is sometimes irreversible. If you plan on having children, or just living a long and happy life, something needs to be done.
I loved talking about foods and diets and remember complaining to some of my friends about how unhealthy a girl in our high schools diet was- she just went full blown Keto and was eating sticks of butter. I said she was doing so much harm to her body and my friend just looked at me and said: "Steph, how is what you are doing any better?" This was honestly a turning point for me. I thought that I was being 'healthy' and 'fit' and doing good for my body, but I was damaging it beyond belief.
5. THROW AWAY THE SCALE.
This is the single most important thing I did in recovery. During my eating disorder, I would weigh myself six times per day and these numbers controlled me. They were a quantifiable way to measure my failure if the number did not go down enough. The surge of excitement I would get if the number dropped was momentarily exhilarating, but would soon be replaced with "not enough, not enough, never enough." In the beginning of recovery, I told myself I would monitor my weight gain weekly on the scale to see what was happening but this was a horrible idea. It was a picture of failure and seeing a rising number was NOT productive. Especially in early recovery, you will gain weight quickly as your body replenishes bone and glycogen stores and water weight, so it will scare you and make you want to quit. Don't.
Give your scale to your mom to hide. Better yet, smash it to smithereens with a hammer. Chuck it out the third story window. Take all your anger out on it and move on.
If your weight needs to be monitored for medical reasons, have a blind weight performed. I have not weighed myself in months and just tell my doctor that I prefer not to know because of my past.
That number defines nothing.
6. Buy new clothes.
Treat yourself to a few flowy and comfortable pieces. Trying to squeeze into jeans that are a size too small for you to HEALTHILY be is just going to make you doubt yourself. Don't do it.
7. Find a support system
I am lucky enough to have two people- my sister and one of my best friends- that I can guilt-free vent to whenever I need and will just listen to me even if they do not know what to say. That is all I can ask for and so so important. The instagram community has also been a huge solace in my recovery. Support is crucial as there will be days when you doubt it all.
8. Journal! I write down my feelings and find quotes that motivate me. I go back and read these when I am feeling low.
Write down what you love about yourself.
Write down what you want to do with your life. Travel plans, career goals, family aspirations.
Write down what being happy has done for you that being thin never has.
Write down what you want to look back on your life and remember.
Write down the things that are stressing you out.
In order to find food freedom and rid yourself of disordered eating forever, you cannot hold onto any body ideals or weight goals. You need to listen to your body and heal your relationship with food and most importantly....with yourself.
I hope these tips just helped one person. It is a huge and scary leap to take, but I cannot tell you how worth it it is.
Gain weight and you will end up gaining so much more.
